Relationships get difficult and complicated easily because you are not the only one involved. It involves another person who thinks differently, who has different emotions as well as different upbringings and backgrounds. Unfortunately, you don't get to control another human being. You are not in control of who likes you, you are not in control of how people think and act. You are only in control of yourself. This is why we easily get disappointed by people.
In this write-up, we are diving into some of our actions, inaction, standards, and ideas that put us in a position of getting constant heartbreaks and failed relationships.
1. You don't understand what it means to be in a relationship.
A relationship is a situation where two individuals who are attracted to each other, decide to commit to each other, to love, respect and support each other without any expectation of gaining something in return. Each person in the relationship is primarily valued for the relationship itself and not what they would benefit from each other. This is to say that relationships are to be treated as an end within itself and not as a means to some other end. It is based on both party's mutual empathy and support and not their job, appearance, status, achievements or anything else. A relationship should survive: it should not be shaken by ups and downs or benefits and failures.Now, here is why most ladies get disappointed and heartbroken. Most ladies are dating and they think they are in a relationship. Dating is where you are talking to people, to get to know them more, to see if you can be compatible with them. You may be attracted by their appearance initially, that pushes you to get to know them more.
Women say it is hard to get a man who commits, and I agree. The thing is guys are slow to commitment, and as ladies, we should be slow to commitment too! You are not that desperate to quickly commit to a man. I mean, this is the guy you are hopefully going to spend the rest of your life with and it is the biggest decision you will ever make. And you want to just jump into a commitment? Well, all the best with that. Date as many as possible and be slow to commitment. It doesn't, however, mean that you should date for a very long time. If you are dating a guy for a while, you guys like each other but he has not made his intentions clear, please ask him. And don't always wait on a man to bring up the conversation. You can, as well. You need to know his intentions and where you both are going with it. Once you have decided to take things to the next level in a committed relationship, you both should stop seeing other people.
The purpose of dating is to get to know people more. You may like them but are you compatible with them? What's important in a relationship is to love a person for who they are. How do you know who a person is? You get to know by studying the person through dating. Don't try to change a person to become what you want them to be. Do you know what will happen if you try to do that? It's not going to work! Don't say you have enough love and values to change them because they won't change. If someone shows you who they really are, you better believe them.2. You don't set standards for your relationship.
If you don't set standards for your relationship, you will end up being hurt because people won't know their limit in dealing with you without you spelling them out.You can know your standards when you know what you want. And you can know what you want when you know yourself, and you can know yourself when you love and have a relationship with yourself.
Before you enter a relationship, you should already be whole. You're not a half waiting for another half to appear to make you complete. You are already whole. Don't wait for someone to be in your life before you can be happy and complete. How you feel is often linked to what you are thinking about. You're scrolling through Instagram and Facebook, you see all these happy couples, pretty girls and boys, and you begin to think within yourself: why am I so ugly?why can't I feel appreciated and this loved? why can't I have such a nice relationship? and the list goes on. When you do this, I guarantee, you are going to be sad. You should always remember that you create your happiness. Don't burden your partner with the task of making you happy always. Have a life outside your relationship. The fact that you are now in a relationship doesn't mean you should stop hanging out with your friends, and stop your hobbies. Continue doing things that made you happy before you met your partner. You are responsible for your happiness!When you love yourself, you begin to know yourself and what you want. You become confident of yourself, and that's when you can make your standards. You will then know what you will tolerate and what you wouldn't tolerate in a relationship. If you don't love yourself, your low self-esteem will make you feel unworthy of your standards so you will end up lowering and tolerating everything even when it does not make you happy.
3. Your standards are unrealistic.
You have a preconceived idea of how men should be which mostly, is not realistic. The difference between women who are in relationships and single women is they understand the following:a. Men do not behave like women.
You don't expect your man to be like your female best friend. Men can't talk that much so you can't talk to him the way you do with your female best friend. They are not that sensitive and "girly" the way women are. So if you are expecting a man to be super-sensitive and so considerate, then I'm sorry, he is going to hurt your feelings all the time. You are going to feel like he does not communicate with you since you are holding these standards like he is a girl. You can leave this standard to your gay guy friends or your male "bestie" who talk much like girls, making you think your man will be interested in talking to you all day long. The average man is thinking about where to get more sources of income to make life comfortable. The way girls like rich men, you should know that men who have money are workaholics. They won't have time to give you all the attention you want but they will give you the attention you need.b. The appearance of your man.
The man you will marry is not necessarily going to be super-hot the way you're picturing him to be. God did not create men to be beautiful and all gorgeous like women. If you get a pretty and superfine boy, then you should know he wants all the attention from all the other girls because he likes that feeling. How many men put in much effort in their looks, and take hours in dressing up just to look pretty? God created women the beautiful creatures. You are the one who looks stunning, gorgeous and mind-blowing always. You are the one who men will literally kill for. They are making all the money just to impress and get you. It's unrealistic expecting your man to be super-hot, like he should be over 6 feet tall with great abs and a great sense of fashion. Do you know less than 20% of the world's population have men who are over 6 feet tall? Let's take out the gay guys, the married ones, the broke guys, the play-boys and those who are not ready for a serious relationship and the responsibility of commitment, and see the percentage left of the 20% you are hoping to settle down with. And this is on height alone. We are yet to add the amount of money he should earn monthly, the car he drives, his houses and his facial looks. See, if you continue holding on to these unrealistic standards, you will remain perpetually single!
It is funny how women are looking for the perfect guys while we are not perfect ourselves. Some women have unresolved issues, bad temper, others are bossy and controlling, and they think the world is all about them. You have all these imperfections yet expect your man to be perfect? Women are like, "I'm not settling for any short, broke guy, I know what I deserve, ...In the meantime, you are not even half the things you have on the requirement list of a man. And you are not ready to build with any man. You don't want to build a life together. You want "already made" men. Girl, you need to find yourself someone you can build with. Someone who meets your requirements in values, character, integrity, lifestyle, goals, purpose, etc. Men are simple creatures but your standards are standardizing you out of a possible relationship.
c. Naïve expectations.
People approach relationships from this perspective that, because they are good to people and treat people right, people should also treat them the same way. If you are the kind of girl who is always quiet, you don't ask for what you want, you don't point out how people should treat you, people will just assume you are happy or satisfied. Most good girls find themselves here. You want the man to be a mind reader. He should magically know what you expect of him. He should be considerate of your feelings and sensitive to know what to do and what not to do. Girl, if you don't ask for what you want, you don't train your partner to understand your requirements, then you're going to end up being treated as they please. Ask yourself why "bad girls" turn to have the coolest relationships while good girls always end up hurt? It's because "bad girls" demand what they want. They speak their minds! Good girls on the other hand just expect that because they are good to you, you should automatically be good to them. You have to read their minds and figure out what they want from you. You better stop being this good girl and boss up! Get honest with your feelings and speak out what you expect from people. Require people to treat you the way you want to be treated.4. You're being over-spiritual about relationships.
Girls get caught up with movements and voices of people who make rules about how a relationship should be like. There are books, voices, and opinions about who a real man is, what you should do and not do in a relationship etc. There are movements like "waiting for my Boaz", "The Wait movement, etc. And you find people, especially women, taking these whole movements religiously and they end up being emotionally hurt. You are so caught up in the wait movement that you begin to see your partner wanting to touch you in the course of your relationship as a red flag. If a man loves you, it obviously means he is physically attracted to you and he would want to touch you. It doesn't mean he is not going to marry you. It's up to you to hold on strong to your standards, and it's going to be hard but not impossible. I hear people scream they are abstinent and celibate while they don't like anybody or are not with anybody. Let me see you be with someone you really like and still scream you're abstinent. This is where your abstinence is put to a test! You shouldn't suppress your sexual feelings to the point where it seems not to exist. You're going to be with this person you really like for about 4 years before marriage and you expect nothing to happen during this period? You're going to stay abstinent for 4 years with someone you're attracted to? If you can, that's fine! But if you can't, you don't have to force and suppress your feelings where it starts affecting your emotional well-being.Another issue is some women think they necessarily have to meet their man in the church and any other place is the devil's playground. They don't want to have anything to do with getting a man outside the church like dating sites, social media platforms, during events, etc. Social Media is actually the best place to meet people! Do you know what goes down in dms? People find genuine love from dms and they are happily married now. (But you should not be quick to trust on Social Media. There is a lot of falsehood on Social Media). You don't go on dates, no parties, no social events, and you sit home and expect your Boaz to drop from heaven? At 40 and 50, you will still be waiting for your Boaz.
Let's get intentional about love and relationships. Let's get honest and real with our standards and expectations, and we will see that things will just fall in place.
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